Relating
to One Another
Everything
positive can radiate out from an aware and caring individual. Damage and broken bonds can radiate out from
the unaware or consciously cruel individual. Relating to one another is one of the most baffling and constantly
challenging human endeavors. With daily mindfulness of the impacts we have on others, even the most conscientious
among us still falter and feel remorse. Those who are not mindful can be destructive, abusive, and do real
damage.
Stephen R. Covey describes a paradigm that he calls “The Maturity Continuum”:
"Dependence is the paradigm of 'YOU'—you take care of me; you come through for me;
you didn't come through; I blame you for the results.
Independence is the paradigm of 'I'—I can do it; I
am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose.
[The Ideal] Interdependence is the paradigm of 'WE'—we can
do it; we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together."
Imagine if
we could all take full, unabashed ownership of our lives and embrace the bigger picture of what greatness we could create
within the spirit of collaboration. Imagine if we could put Stephen Covey’s beautifully simple and
effective precept into action every day within ourselves, our family, our community, our nation, and our global world.
Long-Term Compatibility Runs
Deep
Whether you've
used an Internet dating service like eHarmony® or not, their assertion that compatability is a multidimensional
and complex phenomenon is compelling. Take for example, their 29 Dimensions® of Compatibility model.
The categories themselves are thought-provoking:
CORE
TRAITS
"Emotional Temperament"
4 dimensions: self concept, emotional status, energy
(emotional, obstreperousness), and passion (romantic) "Social
Style"
5 dimensions: character, kindness, dominance, sociability, autonomy and adaptability
"Cognitive Mode"
4 dimensions: intellect, curiosity, humor, and artistic passion
"Physicality"
5 dimensions: energy (physical), passion (sexual), vitality and security, industry, and appearance
VITAL
ATTRIBUTES
"Relationship Skills"
3 dimensions: communication style, emotion management,
and conflict resolution
"Values and Beliefs"
5 dimensions: spirituality, family
goals, traditionalism, ambition, and alruism
"Key Experiences"
3 dimensions: family background,
family status, and education
Until recent studies and data became available, how many of us have really had
the tools to explore the full depth of compatibility? For more information: http://www.eharmony.com/why/dimensions
Dualities:
Do You Motivate or Undermine?
Business managers, parents, and personal partners alike have the capability to foster ‘secure bases’ which
in turn inspire others to thrive. The left column represents attributes that result in positive impacts
on those around us. The right addresses behaviors that undermine, demotivate, and damage. In
this simple list of dualities from Daniel Goleman's Social Intelligence book lies an essential and critical
truth.
Great listener
| Blank wall
| Encourager
| Doubter
| Communicator
| Secretive
| Courageous
| Intimidating
| Sense of humor
| Bad temper
| Shows empathy
| Self-centered
| Decisive
| Indecisive
| Takes responsibility
| Blames
| Humble
| Arrogant
| Shares
authority
| Mistrusts
|
Honoring Our Lovers
The commitment to hold your partner in high respect and esteem is
at the very core of a truly loving relationship. In his book entitled Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,
John Gottman, Ph.D. asserts that we must at all costs avoid the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which are reliable
indicators of impending divorce. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
However, if shared trust, respect, joint celebration of one another, and deep caring exist—and each person possesses a strong sense of self—then many doors open up for you as a couple.
First,
my mantra-like question has always been: "If I were a man, how would I and my body want to be treated." It's
quite amazing how much of an impact that one question can have on how you interact with your lover. Of course, the same
can apply when a man asks the parallel question.
So, you can consciously choose to be
a different kind of woman or a different kind of man for your beloved. You can feel safe and free to adore and serve
one another. You are each other's king and queen. Your lover's pleasure becomes your delight. You can enjoy
egoless sex. You can banish destructive bedroom politics and pave the way for a deeper 'enter and be loved' experience.
"Important
as it is to choose the right partner, it's probably more important to BE the right partner. We focus on changing the
wrong person."(1a)
Current relationship research demonstrates that individual accountability
and growth can be significant indicators of successful commitment and an enduring bond. This relates to
Covey's 'Paradigm of We' cited in the 1st section above.
It also connects with the Michelangelo
Phenomenon, a brilliant concept presented by Dr. Caryl Rusbult on how "close partners are interpersonal
artists, sculpting one another’s strengths and weaknesses so as to bring out the best in each other"(summarized by Bruce Bower). "Such affirmation promotes trust in the partner and strengthens
commitiment. And commitment is a key predictor of relationship durability."(1b)
So it appears that the winning combination is for
individuals to do their important 'inside work', while allying with their partners to nurture their growth into
the people they dream of becoming. The focus then is less about changing someone else and more about mutual, sustained
interpersonal growth.
On a related topic, here is one of the strongest articles I've read pertaining to the DOs
and DON'Ts of a healthy and committed long-term relationship: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201112/are-you-the-right-mate
(1a+1b) Hara Estroff Marano, The Expectations Gap, Psychology Today magazine, March/April 2010 issue,
page 71. Full articles no longer available online without subscription.
A Simple & Eloquent Truth How can we hope that our children will grow
into loving, fair-minded and solid citizens, parents and spouses if our families don't provide that model from the start?
Children Learn What They Live
If children
live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
…with
hostility, they learn to fight.
…with ridicule,
they learn to feel shy.
…with shame, they learn
to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance, they learn
to be patient.
...with encouragement, they learn confidence.
…with praise, they learn to appreciate.
…with fairness, they learn justice.
…with security, they learn to have faith.
…with approval, they learn to like themselves.
…with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.
by Dorothy Law
Nolte
|
"Your website is wonderful. It's so beautifully laid
out and rich in content. A work of art. Keep up the good work!"
— Jack O., Corte Madera,
CA
|
Interested in our monthly News Clipping Service Subscription?
Comes via email and works out to only 25¢ per week. Sample available: http://www.qualityoflifenews.com/id9.htmlNOTE: Except for the Compatability, 'BE
the right partner', Did You Know, Salary.com, and Undemocratic Family sections, text for this page is excerpted from
the book: "Inspirations for Thriving in Our Troubled World." See the Products page of this website for more
information.
 |
|
DID YOU KNOW?
* How we treat our significant
others during good times may be even more important than what we do during hard times. Enthusiastically cheer one another
on, ask questions, and pay compliments. "A couple's ability to 'capitalize', that is to celebrate each other's
positive events, predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration over negative events." — Darbe Saxbe
Full article available at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/10-ways-perk-your-relationship
 * "For centuries, we've been declaring our independence. And perhaps
it's time to finally declare our INTERdependence." — Tiffany Shlain in the film "Connected"
* "What we are not aware of in ourselves, we pass on to our children." — Gabor Maté
* There's a new book entitled "Mind
in the Making" which addresses the 7 essential life skills every child needs to achieve his/her full potential:
(1) focus and self-control, (2) seeing someone else's point of view, (3) communicating, (4) making connections, (5) critical
thinking, (6) taking on challenges, and (7) self-directed, engaged learning. If you want to discover how to
most effectively teach these skills to your kids, visit: http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Making-Seven-Essential-Skills/dp/006173232X
* According to the latest Stanford research, "process based praise" of young children
for their efforts results in more resiliency and productive risk-taking later in life: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/10/27/too-much-praise-is-no-good-for-toddlers/?src=me&ref=general
* Latest 2010 data —
Child care in the U.S. is now more expensive than tuition at a 4-year public college:http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?blogid=46&entry_id=69342
Honoring Our Children
My daughter and I have a very close bond. Many
people who meet us say that they’ve not seen a mother and daughter as loving to one another as we are. Part
of the simple truth is that we consciously and heartfully committed to our relationship a long time ago, and we work at it
every day. Another aspect is that I wanted to be a different kind of parent.
Some parenting concepts that have personally
worked for us are as follows:
* Be an honest and real person to her, not some unapproachable ‘do it because I say
so’ monolith
* Let her really
know me without artifice, and for me to really know her in the same way
* Be flexible and adaptable
* Be physically and emotionally present
* Listen actively
* Be physically affectionate
*
Encourage her to be as functionally independent as she can and wants to be
* Never infantilize her
* Obliterate any double standard between her personal rights and mine
* Share engaging activities like fitness training, family
movie nights at home, and a regular girls’ dinner night out
* Make and keep agreements
* Create quiet times together to share ideas and emotions without judgment or censure
* Create a home
and a private space that is a warm, vibrant, and welcoming sanctuary for her and her friends
The following assertions beautifully sum up the core truth about enlightened parenting:
“[The] conviction
of being loved and lovable, valued and valuable as we are, regardless of what we do, is the beginning of the most fundamental
kind of self-esteem…Indeed, when core self-esteem remains low even into adulthood, no amount of external task-oriented
achievement or approval seems able to compensate. On the contrary, the needy child of the past is a kind
of emotional black hole into which external rewards disappear—which is why a lack of core self-esteem can produce totalitarian
leaders for whom no amount of power is enough, grandiose money-makers
or spenders of inherited money for whom no amount of display is enough, and authoritarian parents for whom no obedience is complete.” — Gloria Steinem (1)
So
perhaps the most important thing for Julia and me is that from the day she was born, I felt compelled to respect her as a
whole individual, with inalienable rights and unique dreams. That belief continues to manifest
itself in more and more ways as Julia, I, and our relationship grow. She is a young woman and I celebrate
that. I feel grateful and honored to be her mother. When I stumble, I apologize immediately.
I have vowed not to abuse her self-esteem, her trust, or my position as her parent. As the brilliant
filmmaker Ingmar Bergman once stated, I am fascinated by and utterly respect "the wholeness inside every human being," especially my most treasured loved ones.
Holistic relationships of all kinds are, I believe, at the core of our ability to flourish as humans. To embrace
the totality of another person—and ourselves—is to live and love most fully.
Salary.com Releases Its 2010
Mom Salary Number
The work experts at Salary.com have defined the stay-at-home Mom's job as representing a hybrid of 10 different jobs
(in random order):
1. Chief Executive Officer
2. Psychologist
3. Facilities Manager
4. Day Care Center Teacher
5. Cook
6. Laundry Machine Operator
7. Housekeeper 8. Janitor
9. Computer Operator
10. Van Driver
Based on these 10 important tasks and the overtime necessary to do the job well, the stay-at-home
Mom's salary for 2010 would be $117,856 annually. This impressive figure was even higher in 2009 at
$122,570, before the economic downturn had lasted longer than originally anticipated.
We could even add several
more tasks to the list:
11. Spiritual Advisor
12. Bookkeeper
13. Life Coach
14. IT Manager
15.
Personal Shopper
16. Event Planner
17. Travel Agent
18. Nutritionist
19. Purchasing Manager
So
the bottom line is that whether a woman (or man) selects an outside career, the full-time parent variety,
an at-home office career, or a combination, valuable work well done deserves respect.
For more details: http://press.salary.com/easyir/customrel.do?easyirid=C62ED049D69BA1E0&version=live&prid=615803&releasejsp=custom_117
Undemocratic
Family Systems — A Signpost for Other Serious Problems?
Over the past three decades, I have considered whether authoritarian,
hierarchical family structures don’t in fact signal deeper issues. Personal observations, readings,
and frank discussions with friends have led me to believe that anti-democratic family systems seem to display
one or more of the following:
* Unhealthy and
dismissively controlling behaviors
* Lack of empathy, or underdeveloped empathy
*
Racism or generalized prejudice towards certain groups (the "others")
* Slurs and epithets
used frequently
* The proclivity for 'thingifying' others outside of the home may parallel an objectifying
and one-down treatment of selected family members
The
consequences of the above list during the arc of a family’s lifetime can run deep and be quite devastating.
It is vital that we as parents carefully and empathetically consider the family 'culture' we are creating. After all,
families can be viewed as an important barometer and microcosm of our society
If you care to share
your thoughts on this topic or any other on the website, simply use the form on the Contact page.
For a sample
description of a family culture, visit: http://www.qualityoflifenews.com/id3.html.html(1) Gloria Steinem, Revolution
from Within, Boston: Little Brown & Company, 1993, pages 66 & 67.
|
