Relating
to One Another
Everything
positive can radiate out from an aware and caring individual. Damage and broken bonds can radiate out from
the unaware or consciously cruel individual. Relating to one another is one of the most baffling and constantly
challenging human endeavors. With daily mindfulness of the impacts we have on others, even the most conscientious
among us still falter and feel remorse. Those who are not mindful can be destructive, abusive, and do real
damage.
Stephen R. Covey describes a paradigm that he calls “The Maturity Continuum”:
"Dependence is the paradigm of 'YOU'—you take care of me; you come through for me;
you didn't come through; I blame you for the results.
Independence is the paradigm of 'I'—I can do it; I
am responsible; I am self-reliant; I can choose.
[The Ideal] Interdependence is the paradigm of 'WE'—we can
do it; we can cooperate; we can combine our talents and abilities and create something greater together."
Imagine if
we could all take full, unabashed ownership of our lives and embrace the bigger picture of what greatness we could create
within the spirit of collaboration. Imagine if we could put Stephen Covey’s beautifully simple and
effective precept into action every day within ourselves, our family, our community, our nation, and our global world.
Long-Term Compatibility
is Deep
Whether you've
used an Internet dating service like eHarmony® or not, their assertion that compatability is a multidimensional
and complex phenomenon is compelling. Take for example, their 29 Dimensions® of Compatibility model.
The categories themselves are thought-provoking:
CORE
TRAITS
"Emotional Temperament"
4 dimensions: self concept, emotional status, energy
(emotional, obstreperousness), and passion (romantic) "Social
Style"
5 dimensions: character, kindness, dominance, sociability, autonomy and adaptability
"Cognitive Mode"
4 dimensions: intellect, curiosity, humor, and artistic passion
"Physicality"
5 dimensions: energy (physical), passion (sexual), vitality and security, industry, and appearance
VITAL
ATTRIBUTES
"Relationship Skills"
3 dimensions: communication style, emotion management,
and conflict resolution
"Values and Beliefs"
5 dimensions: spirituality, family
goals, traditionalism, ambition, and alruism
"Key Experiences"
3 dimensions: family background,
family status, and education
Until recent studies and data became available, how many of us have really had
the tools to explore the full depth of compatibility? For more information: http://www.eharmony.com/why/dimensions
Dualities:
Do You Motivate or Undermine?
Business managers, parents, and personal partners alike have the capability to foster ‘secure bases’ which
in turn inspire others to thrive. The left column represents attributes that result in positive impacts
on those around us. The right addresses behaviors that undermine, demotivate, and damage. In
this simple list of dualities from Daniel Goleman's Social Intelligence book lies an essential and critical
truth.
Great listener
| Blank wall
| Encourager
| Doubter
| Communicator
| Secretive
| Courageous
| Intimidating
| Sense of humor
| Bad temper
| Shows empathy
| Self-centered
| Decisive
| Indecisive
| Takes responsibility
| Blames
| Humble
| Arrogant
| Shares
authority
| Mistrusts
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Honoring Our Lovers
The commitment to hold your partner in high respect and esteem is
at the very core of a truly loving relationship. In his book entitled Why Marriages Succeed or Fail,
John Gottman, Ph.D. asserts that we must at all costs avoid the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” which are reliable
indicators of impending divorce. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
However, if shared trust, respect, joint celebration of one another, and deep caring exist—and each person possesses a strong sense of self—then many doors open up for you as a couple.
First,
my mantra-like question has always been: "If I were a man, how would I and my body want to be treated." It's
quite amazing how much of an impact that one question can have on how you interact with your lover. Of course, the same
can apply when a man asks the parallel question.
So, you can consciously choose to be
a different kind of woman or a different kind of man for your beloved. You can feel safe and free to adore and serve
one another. You are each other's king and queen. Your lover's pleasure becomes your delight. You can enjoy
egoless sex. You can banish destructive bedroom politics and pave the way for a deeper 'enter and be loved' experience.
"Important
as it is to choose the right partner, it's probably more important to BE the right partner. We focus on changing the
wrong person."(1a)
Current relationship research demonstrates that individual accountability
and growth can be significant indicators of successful commitment and an enduring bond. This relates to
Covey's 'Paradigm of We' cited in the 1st section above.
It also connects with the Michelangelo
Phenomenon, a brilliant concept presented by Dr. Caryl Rusbult on how "close partners are interpersonal
artists, sculpting one another’s strengths and weaknesses so as to bring out the best in each other"(summarized by Bruce Bower). "Such affirmation promotes trust in the partner and strengthens
commitiment. And commitment is a key predictor of relationship durability."(1b)
So it appears that the winning combination is for
individuals to do their important 'inside work', while allying with their partners to nurture their growth into
the people they dream of becoming. The focus then is less about changing someone else and more about mutual, sustained
interpersonal growth.
(1a+1b) Hara Estroff Marano, The Expectations Gap, Psychology Today magazine,
March/April 2010 issue, page 71. Full articles no longer available online without subscription.
A Simple &
Eloquent Truth How can we
hope that our children will grow into loving, fair-minded and solid citizens, parents and spouses if our families don't provide
that model from the start?
Children Learn What They
Live
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
…with hostility, they learn to fight.
…with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
…with
shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with
tolerance, they learn to be patient.
...with encouragement,
they learn confidence.
…with praise, they learn
to appreciate.
…with fairness, they learn justice.
…with security, they learn to have faith.
…with approval, they learn to like themselves.
…with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in
the world.
by Dorothy Law Nolte
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DID YOU KNOW?
* Latest
2010 data — Child
care in the U.S. is now more expensive than tuition at a 4-year public college:http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/sfmoms/detail?blogid=46&entry_id=69342
* There's a new book entitled "Mind in the Making" which addresses the 7 essential life
skills every child needs to achieve his/her full potential: (1) focus and self-control, (2) seeing someone else's point
of view, (3) communicating, (4) making connections, (5) critical thinking, (6) taking on challenges, and (7) self-directed,
engaged learning. If you want to discover how to most effectively teach these skills to your kids, visit:
http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Making-Seven-Essential-Skills/dp/006173232X
* How we treat our significant others during good times may be even more important than what we
do during hard times. Enthusiastically cheer one another on, ask questions, and pay compliments. "A couple's
ability to 'capitalize', that is to celebrate each other's positive events, predicts satisfaction better than their commiseration
over negative events." — Darbe Saxbe
Full article available at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/10-ways-perk-your-relationship
Honoring
Our Children
My daughter and I
have a very close bond. Many people who meet us say that they’ve not seen a mother and daughter as
loving to one another as we are. Part of the simple truth is that we consciously and heartfully committed
to our relationship a long time ago, and we work at it every day. Another aspect is that I wanted to be
a different kind of parent.
Some parenting concepts that have personally worked for us are as follows:
* Be an honest and real
person to her, not some unapproachable ‘do it because I say so’ monolith
* Let her really know me without artifice, and for me to really know her
in the same way
* Be flexible and
adaptable
* Be physically and emotionally
present
* Listen actively
* Be physically affectionate
* Encourage her to be as functionally independent as she can and wants to
be
* Never infantilize her
* Obliterate any double standard between her personal
rights and mine
*
Share engaging activities like fitness training, family movie nights at home, and a regular girls’ dinner night
out
* Make and
keep agreements
* Create quiet times
together to share ideas and emotions without judgment or censure
* Create a home and a private space that is a warm, vibrant, and welcoming
sanctuary for her and her friends
The following assertions beautifully sum up the
core truth about enlightened parenting:
“[The] conviction of being loved and lovable, valued and valuable
as we are, regardless of what we do, is the beginning of the most fundamental kind of self-esteem…Indeed, when core
self-esteem remains low even into adulthood, no amount of external task-oriented achievement or approval seems able to compensate.
On the contrary, the needy child of the past is a kind of emotional black hole into which external rewards disappear—which
is why a lack of core self-esteem can produce totalitarian leaders for whom no amount of power is enough, grandiose money-makers or spenders of inherited money for whom no amount of display is enough,
and authoritarian parents for whom no obedience is complete.”
— Gloria Steinem (1)
So perhaps the most important thing for Julia and me is that from the day she
was born, I felt compelled to respect her as a whole individual, with inalienable rights and unique dreams.
That belief continues to manifest itself in more and more ways as Julia, I, and our relationship grow.
She is a young woman and I celebrate that. I feel grateful and honored to be her mother.
When I stumble, I apologize immediately. I have vowed not to abuse her self-esteem, her trust, or
my position as her parent. As the brilliant filmmaker Ingmar Bergman once stated, I am fascinated by and
utterly respect "the wholeness inside every
human being," especially my most treasured
loved ones.
Holistic relationships of all kinds are, I
believe, at the core of our ability to flourish as humans. To embrace the totality of another person—and ourselves—is
to live and love most fully.
Salary.com Releases Its 2010
Mom Salary Number
The work experts at Salary.com have defined the stay-at-home Mom's job as representing a hybrid of 10 different jobs
(in random order):
1. Chief Executive Officer
2. Psychologist
3. Facilities Manager
4. Day Care Center Teacher
5. Cook
6. Laundry Machine Operator
7. Housekeeper 8. Janitor
9. Computer Operator
10. Van Driver
Based on these 10 important tasks and the overtime necessary to do the job well, the stay-at-home
Mom's salary for 2010 would be $117,856 annually. This impressive figure was even higher in 2009 at
$122,570, before the economic downturn had lasted longer than originally anticipated.
We could even add several
more tasks to the list:
11. Spiritual Advisor
12. Bookkeeper
13. Life Coach
14. IT Manager
15.
Personal Shopper
16. Event Planner
17. Travel Agent
18. Nutritionist
So the bottom line is that
whether a woman (or man) selects an outside career, the full-time parent variety, an at-home office career,
or a combination, valuable work well done deserves respect.
For more details: http://press.salary.com/easyir/customrel.do?easyirid=C62ED049D69BA1E0&version=live&prid=615803&releasejsp=custom_117
Undemocratic
Family Systems — A Signpost for Other Serious Problems?
Over the past three decades, I have considered whether authoritarian,
hierarchical family structures don’t in fact signal deeper issues. Personal observations, readings,
and frank discussions with friends have led me to believe that anti-democratic family systems seem to display
one or more of the following:
* Unhealthy and
dismissively controlling behaviors
* Lack of empathy, or underdeveloped empathy
*
Racism or generalized prejudice towards certain groups (the "others")
* Slurs and epithets
used frequently
* The proclivity for 'thingifying' others outside of the home may parallel an objectifying
and one-down treatment of selected family members
The
consequences of the above list during the arc of a family’s lifetime can run deep and be quite devastating.
It is vital that we as parents carefully and empathetically consider the family 'culture' we are creating. After all,
families can be viewed as an important barometer and microcosm of our society
If you care to share
your thoughts on this topic or any other on the website, simply use the form on the Contact page.(1) Gloria Steinem, Revolution from Within, Boston:
Little Brown & Company, 1993, pages 66 & 67.
Interested in our monthly News Clipping Service Subscription? Comes via email and works out to
only 25¢ per week. Sample available: http://www.qualityoflifenews.com/id9.html
NOTE: Except for the Compatability, 'BE the right partner', Did You Know, Salary.com, and Undemocratic Family
sections, text for this page is excerpted from the book: "Inspirations for Thriving in Our Troubled World."
See the Products page of this website for more information.
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